A More Purposeful Life

I have been thinking about starting a blog to journal about our family's new homeschooling adventure for awhile. Actually, months ago I did start a homeschooling blog, but we were not actually homeschooling yet and, well, I never went anywhere with it. At the time I was knee deep in trying to decide what our homeschool would be like and my feelings and plans were making me a discombobulated mess. I was having regular panic attacks, set off by my wondering, "How in the heck am I going to do this?!" I wondered if I was out of my mind in believing that I would be able to successfully homeschool four children, two of whom had been in public school since preschool.

Despite all of that, this past August we officially began homeschooling. My husband and I decided to have our first week of homeschooling while he was on vacation from work, so that he could be here to help us get on track.

The first day was a disaster. I cried.

Nothing went as planned and after only three hours I was certain that we had made a mistake. However, we forged on and the next day was better. Fortunately, we never did have another truly awful day after that first day. That is not to say that things have been blissful or that me and the kids have been perfectly behaved and patient every single day, because that has so not been the case. But, that first day has been the only day that I've wondered if we were doing the wrong thing.

There are so many things that I want to write about on this blog. I want to write more about my family and who we are, and I want to write about all that we are doing in our little family homeschool. I want to use this blog as a place to vent about the not-so-fun things about homeschooling, as well as talk about the really wonderful things. However, as we are jumping head first into the new year and a whole new set of plans and curriculum there is one thing that I cannot get off my mind. It is something that I did not consider or anticipate in all of my planning and ideas about homeschooling.

I cannot stop thinking about how homeschooling has changed me.

Yes, I am changed wholly and for the good. The changes that have occurred are incredibly surprising to me.  I've changed in ways that I did not realize were possible. Let me explain.

Before I became a mother I woke up each day and I took breath into my lungs without noticing that I was doing so. I walked without noticing my surroundings. I read without truly understanding what the words were telling me. I had lofty goals that I did not have the drive or determination to obtain. I just was.

Motherhood did not exactly change any of that. What it did do over time is made me recognize that there were things in me that I needed to change. I had this nagging feeling, which got stronger with the birth of each of our four children, that I was not the person I was supposed to be. In the throes of postpartum depression after the births of children three and four I hated myself. I wanted to be a different person and a better mother. Except that I had no idea who I was supposed to be. I experienced what can only be described as a personality crisis. I did not feel that I had purpose in my life.

In making the decision to homeschool our children---the reasons for which I'll write about another day---something began to happen. I was forced into a position where I had to evaluate my future and make a commitment to something so much bigger than myself. I knew that if we pulled our kids out of public school to begin homeschooling that there would be no turning back. I was going to need to give myself over to the process fully and completely, no matter how hard things got.

As it turns out, homeschooling our children has been the easiest thing I've ever done.

Yes, it's exhausting at times. Some days I want nothing more than a break from my kids and my house to go and do something by myself or, even more so, to be able to have some time alone with my husband. I hardly see or talk to my friends anymore and I miss them terribly. But this homeschooling adventure has become a natural, organic part of my life, just like breathing. And the amazing thing is that this has happened in only four short months.

No longer am I living my life without truly living. The awareness that I am completely responsible for my children's education has made me more in tune and connected to the world around me in ways that I did not know were possible. I am reading, feeling, experiencing, walking, seeing, and learning with purpose. In everything that I do I am thinking about how I might turn each of my experiences into a learning experience for my children. Even when I eat I am tasting my food in a different way, anticipating questions that my children might ask about a particular meal.

With homeschooling has come the blessing to me of being able to live my life with purpose. I am finally experiencing the awe of life in a way that I never did in my past life. I am excitedly learning along with my children and I am enjoying being with them more than I ever have before.

There are a lot of things that have happened since we began homeschooling, but this change in me is certainly one of my favorites.

~Shana